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Critters on Coconut Drive
Monday, November 2, 2009

As empty nesters, we've been out of town a lot lately, and instead of bothering my neighbor to feed our outdoor cat I decided to get one of those computerized multi-day feeders that dispenses a portion of food each day, keeping the cat from overeating and stopping the wild critters from devouring all the food that was intended to last for a weekend.

While out of town this past weekend, I received a text from my neighbor, who happened to stop by (Thank goodness.). It said: Space-age pet feeder is overturned on patio. Please advise.

Now, this thing probably weighs 5 pounds and is 18-inches square. It's big. And I wondered: How in the hell could it get down five stairs, from the porch, and end up on the patio, right-side up?

My first guess was the feral children I've been having trouble with in the neighborhood ... but, then again, they would have done some heavier damage had they dared to sneak in the scary big bald man's backyard for some fun.

Then, last night, I discovered the problem. We'd gotten home late from the airport and went to bed. At 2 a.m., I heard some scrapes and bangs outside. I turned on the back patio light to see ... a very large racoon trying his best to open the feeder. The door is glass, so we could see each other, and though he was just two feet away from me, he just looked up, noticed my presence without even the slightest sign of fear, then continued his task of trying to bend open the feeder.

I bolted out the door, sprayed him with the garden hose, and yelled, waking my wife.

Years ago, when working at a Rochester newspaper, I'd written a story about the evolution of raccoons and how, as urban creatures, they'd grown bolder and smarter. Boy, I'll say.

Grrrrrrrrrr.........

Now I'm afraid to go out at night.

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